Five Tips to Keep a New Relationship Moving Forward

At the gym recently, I was approached by a woman who had recognized me from my picture in the magazine. During our conversation, she’d mentioned she recently started to date a woman and was really excited about the possibility of a new relationship. She asked about the progression of relationships in general, and tips on how to keep things moving forward.

I do feel strongly about how relationships start and how they progress. I explained to her that clear, strong boundaries are important. But first, we discussed what are my five cardinal rules of dating, which I’ve included here:

Rule 1: Absolutely no movies prior to the fourth date.

If you want to get to know someone, try to choose date locales that inspire conversation about each other’s thoughts and feelings.

Museums make good dating venues because they inspire you to think and talk about art, which might lead to a deeper understanding of how your date thinks about the world. Museums not your thing? Pick another place where the noise level permits you to talk to each other.

Rule 2: Do not introduce your new love to friends until after the 6th date.

I hope that this is common sense. How many times have you fallen in love on the second date, only to break up, or worse, have your heart broken, before you’ve had a third?

Give yourself a little room to determine whether your budding relationship has “legs” before you bring a new person into your intimate circle of friends.

Rule 3: Do not introduce your new love to family members until you’ve been consistently dating for three months.

Wait on the family introductions until you are fairly certain that your new love will be around for awhile.

Rule 4: Do not move in with a person before checking all of their baggage.

I personally feel that you can start talking about living together after you’ve been dating for a year. I’m aware that the standards on this issue vary widely between people/couples, but you have to admit, if you’ve been dating for a year, you likely know pretty much everything there is to know about your future housemate; if you don’t know everything, what have you been talking about?

Rule 5: Sex. There really aren’t many rules about sex, except to always play safe.

You owe it to yourself to protect yourself. It seems that everyone you meet in the clubs/bars/online, etc. is “negative.” But just in case they’ve misunderstood the difference between positive and negative, and have therefore mistakenly misrepresented themselves, it is your responsibility to protect yourself – assume that everyone is positive until it is demonstrated otherwise.

There are, of course, many other rules that each of us has that we use as markers for how a relationship is progressing. Take a few minutes
and think about yours. And to the woman at the gym, drop me a line and let us know how things are going.

Gary Miles is a psychologist in San Jose. You can reach him at gary@outnowmag.com.

Submitted by admin on Thu, 01/31/2008 - 11:00pm.

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